Strayed moment - 6

12th June 2005
5:30 pm

I am not sure if it was my mom or my cousin Manu who woke me up - For a second, I had no idea where I was or what time of the day it was. I sleepwalked into the drawing room and sat there half sleep, the voices of my parents like an endless, indecipherable drone playing into my ears. I was trying to recollect a dream I was having, about something I had to do as a part of the play making process but didn't. I remember having the dream over and over again all through the two hours I had slept. But I couldn't place my finger on the exact details and was dissecting every moment in my mind to spot the link.

And that was when it stuck me that it was all over. Not like a jolt or an emotional upheaval. But like prick of a needle on numb limbs - a state where one can watch one's own blood trickle without any pain or horror. The last four months of my life ran like a black and white mute movie before my eyes. flash. snap. flash. darkness. smell. touch. smile. sweat. lights. sounds. applause... Silence. I closed my eyes and suddenly could feel the small drawing room closing into me, the indecipherable sounds becoming a pounding beat - I shrunk into a little dot inhaling stale air, gasping for breath feeling utterly claustrophobic. I rushed out of the house, into busy roads and bustling shops, into chaos, into anonymity and lost myself there.